God, sanctuary at last. I'm so tired of having to hide, and with the family everywhere patroling us, it's impossible even to keep email private, and they sense what they call our 'unnatural closeness' which at first didn't strike me anyway as 'unnatural', but now that i or we have really considered it, i suppose we are closer that most cousins. I always did think of us as good friends, and we always are and still, but we are more than that. There always was that subtext and our gifts exchanged are always loaded. And admit, we do things when alone that we would never do in front of the family or in front of your or my ... so then there is some truth to it - no denying that.
I didn't want to miss you when i was away, but i did - every day. I tried not to - but it was impossible. I found myself checking my watch. Wondering what you were doing now, then, if you had eaten your honey, if you had taken care of yourself the way i would take care of you. All of these things. I know i shouldn't feel these things. We both know.
It was last time, last time when we were alone. You knocked, but i didn't hear. So i came and fetched you and we sat on the only place, the bed, rather awkward at first, from which we quickly recovered sitting just that bit too close with a jar of honey between us and only one spoon, passing it back and forth, sharing spit essentially, just another way of kissing, which we both know. Neither of us stupid. We knew or know damn well. You do scare me half to death, you know. You're not the only one. It was almost... we came so close... three hours then... i made for you those gifts and you chose the most significant of all, just as i knew you would - the silly ones that i made and that meant the most.
That kiss, it hung in the air between us just waiting to be had, both of us too shy to make that first move, afraid of being the 'doer.' That at least if we did it, well, we could always say the other had started it - some way to shrug or shirk responsiblity, which is absurd really since we both know damn well... we're hardly children anymore.
Yes, so we knew, and when we knew and we waited we left and we sat - that cafe - our feet resting gently together and my eyes locked on yours and i started counting the black pinpricks there and you said, "Oh, shit..." and i knew exactly what you meant by it. The "oh shit" factor which meant, "oh shit..." because we had or have fallen without meaning to. I didn't want to love you. I don't like it either, but i love it, and i won't give you up and apparently you won't give me up either.
We held hands both days - isn't it telling then that we don't do this around the others. That we keep our secrets well, don't we. We guard them. We know what to bring home, what not. I cried when i left, all the way in the taxi, leaving you there. Your wink some small comfort. Then the quarrel when you re-wrote everything that had happened as if nothing had happened at all, because it did and you wished it hadn't, and that hurt. God that hurt.
Are you back now? You seem like you are, but sort of sometimes not. I wait... you wait... Leave us alone together with nobody to patrol us, with no consequence, with nobody to find, and we both know... Christ i can hardly stand the scent of you, or the feeling of your palm in mine or just the site of your palm or mouth or sound of your voice or your name because i want, and i yearn, and you yearn and we speak in this dialect and i know you want as much as i do and this terrifies us both. Wanting is the real pain. What we offer, if we offer it up, and we will, because i think one day that dam will break when we are alone - i don't know how far, but it will - is absolution.
What we have done already is secret and we do guard them well. So then what is more? What if we keep adding, and we do. We do. We add and add. Do we keep adding. So far you have no confessed. I offer you absolution. It is here in my kiss and you in turn offer me absolution. Your kiss, i taste this, just as you offered me that half pear that you bit and i took it - forbidden fruit, we shared.
We are at least halfway there... more... what now then? We keep finding ways to be together. You find ways too. Don't deny. Enough with that. I'm scared as you. God i'm scared, but if we can... and we do already... then we can... your problem, you think this sin. You think this some betrayal. I do not. I see no betrayal in my love of you. This could never be wrong. Cousin, this could never be wrong. You told me that, as i looped my arm through yours and braced myself against the wind, as your fingers interlaced in mine and you squeezed my hand when we said goodbye, when you rang later and said, "come tomorrow" and i did, never thinking that you would follow through.
God, another almost but not quite. We both want. We yearn. We want. We wait. We are patient. So we are driven to secrecy. How long before the levy breaks?
